Mailbag question – I Think I’m Outgrowing my Man?
March 5, 2010 by Elle Ashley
Filed under Single Ladies
I’ve been in a relationship for the past for 5 years. We’re engaged but I have a bit of a problem. I got my masters at the end of last year and my career is starting to take off. I think he’s starting to feel inadequate. IDK if I’m starting to outgrow him or if it’s that I’m making more money and he’s not feeling like he’s the “man of the house” anymore. What should I do? Is having too much pride a mental illness? He’s not supportive. I feel like I’m finally coming into my own but it seems like he gives two shits about my accomplishments. What should I do?
Congratulations on earning your Masters degree and on your engagement; now to the nitty gritty. This is a common problem these days. We begin to line ourselves up to be marketable and able to compete with our male counterparts in the workforce and in the process we may over upgrade ourselves for the man currently in our life.
The first thing you need to ensure is that you are not tearing him down with this new found success. Silly, as it seems, we all have been guilty of doing it. For example, I have a friend who makes close to double compared to her boyfriend. When I asked her how their restaurant etiquette is (Who pays) she told me as soon as the bill comes she grabs it and pays. That could wreak havoc on a man’s pride. So then I asked her do they ever try doing things that were not pocket breakers, i.e. order food, lay underneath each other watch a movie or game, and she answered no. So like I asked her, how much are you willing to compromise so that you are not tearing him down with your success? Yes, you may be outgrowing him, that is a natural progression in any relationship, but the question is how much is he willing to grow to keep your relationship afloat?
Now, let’s say that the reality is he really is not supportive of you and your success. Plain and simple, leave him. You probably have enough crabs in the barrel and you don’t need to add another. But I cannot believe five years into a relationship with you and an engagement that this is the case. Don’t continue to assume that it is the money, or the education, or the career growth. If you two were committed enough to become engaged, then you two should be able to air your dirty laundry, pride aside. You may be surprised at what you may hear. This may however take more than one conversation, especially if he is not ready which he may mask as being prideful.
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Elle Ashley is a Washington, DC native. She holds BA in Broadcast Journalism and a MS in HR Management. She is in the process of writing her first novel, “Heart of Me.” Stay tune for more details.
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I think it’s time to put it out there and encourage open-honest communication. Ask questions and allow him to answer without being defensive. Be receptive to anything he has to say even if you don’t agree. Marriage should never be entered into lightly so figure this out before you say “I do”.
Time for “that” talk…
Your mate should be on your side for your success and failures. If her man is not happy for her being on the come up, then he needs to upgrade himself, sit back and enjoy the ride or roll out. She does not deserve to be in a situation were her number 1 is not her biggest supporter.
Yes a conversation is a must. She will just need to be prepared to deal with whatever comes out. I would have to agree that he needs to step his game up or roll out. If her making more is the issue, can we say part time job. Regardless, she should continue to grow.
I’m starting to realize some things as a man. When our mothers were making far less money, maybe our fathers should have turned the situation into a you have less money than me, or maybe she is not the one for me because she has less money thing. You never saw articles like this years ago which is intresting. Basically I have learned some things in recent years: 1. Find multiple women that makes more money, and let them take you out. You will save so much money in the end. 2. Get you something foreign instead of American made. Honestly, they know the art of keeping a man. 3. Don’t have any kids before marriage. She can have all the money in the world, but she is worthless when she becomes a baby momma or has no man on her side after the age of 30. That’s when women realize money isn’t cracked up to be all that it is. 4. Men appreciate in value as they get older, women depreciate. Take your time , let the ladies treat you, stack your money, and get yourself together. More importantly, these atheletes haven’t been grabbing “other” women for the hell of it. Take notice and learn something. The bottom line, let this new money make them feel like kings… But on the back end have at least 4 of them in them (women) in the process.. Get you something foreign and beautiful…. Focus on your personal paper…be sure to avoid having kids with them…. Do it like the ball players and enjoy your life fellaz.. It’s simple… Also, sit back and enjoy the show as they get older with money and no man…..
Naw, a man oughta be a man. Using women, being a playa, living off their money is a b_tch move.
She needs to really figure out whether her boyfriend is having issues, or she’s kinda not feeling him anymore. And, if they are really talking about a life together – adjust. If they can’t. See ya!
If he is not supportive, that should be the main focus. You’ve only outgrown him if he can’t keep up because of your MA, but that has little to do with money and being the man of the house. When a woman makes more money it should not have to be difficult. Keep splitting everything 50/50 take turns paying for dates, if you want to do something that is outside of his personal means like a big vacation he should pay what he can and you cover the rest….But this is not so much about money, it’s about personal inadequacies that lead to a lack of support. Maybe it can be healed with a talk but a relationship without support is unhealthy all around, without support why enter a marriage? Money aside how much of your actual life has changed because of the degree? That should also be taken into consideration. New people, new places, new lifestyle, or is it just more money, which should not be the end all, Talk Talk Talk and see what you find.