Sincerely Single in the DC Metro Area
January 26, 2010 by Dean
Filed under Single Ladies
A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to speak with a young woman by the name of Sincere. To give you a little background, she’s a 28 year-old, single, African-American woman with no children and a successful career. We spoke about the state of relationships in the DC Metro area and what it has been like for her in the last decade dealing with men.
Dating roster:
The Collegiate (18) – Dated freshman year of College but broke up over his frequent consumption of alcohol. Was never any real chance at longevity.
The Trainer (19-21) – Dated for 2.5 years and was her first “real love”. Reason for break-up was his infidelity. “We were sitting together on the sofa and I received a call from his other woman, saying that they were sleeping together. At first I’m thinking this is just some angry ex, but then she gave me a detail that I couldn’t ignore. She told me that he had come to visit her at work and that there would be a handicapped parking pass in the glove box and sure enough there it was.” He broke up with Sincere 5 months later, after which he got the other woman pregnant.
The Dentist (22) – Dated for about a year. Decided on a mutual splitting due to him wanting to attend Dental school in another state. No ring, no travel seemed to be the motto.
The Cable Guy (23-24) The first live-in boyfriend of the bunch. He moved in with her after about 4 months of dating. This was one of those situations where the woman gives the man a total upgrade. We’re talking wardrobe, job, living situation and overall “datebility.” The relationship deteriorated because of his lack of support, which seems to be a common issue with men in the area who are rather intimidated by their more successful counterparts. There were also a few other deal breakers, namely kids. She wanted some, he didn’t.
The Musician (24-27)– Was a 3-year Open Relationship. It was around this time that there was sort of a propensity for open relationships. The Musician acted as a rebound from the Cable Guy and led to a kind of rediscovery of her. Got tired of the situation and became celibate.
The Fat Guy (27) – Dated in between the time with The Musician. Was a decent guy, but the physical attraction just wasn’t there. She would find herself drinking just to be intimate. In the end, just couldn’t see being an alcoholic to maintain the relationship. Everyone has his or her physical attribute that’s a no-go and hers is fat.
After a time period of being celibate Sincere met someone that she feels can be a life partner, but distance has played a major role in the relationship. Therefore she still considers herself to be single for the time being.
Are open relationships the way to go until you find that life partner?
Damn…she’s been ALL OVER the map with her men. She needs to take some “me time” to figure out what she REALLY wants in a mate. When she finds it, she will know.
I agree w/Michael. Maybe now is a great time for Sincere to take a step or two back from relationships. It’ll give her the opportunity to look at the dating game of 2010, perhaps from a new perspective, to decide what kind of man she is looking for, why she’s been attracting guys that are not “her type,” what kind of relationship she wants to have (it appears that the boyfriends have dictated the relationships thus far), and what kind of mate she is willing to be.
She’s get over men by getting under new ones. Her standards have seem to decline in the process.
My honest opinion is that she’s selling herself short now. She’s most likely what’s called “Top Shelf” material (don’t like using “wifey” too much), but possibly the time clock ticking might be a major influence with her decisions right now.
Taking a moment to step back and re-evaluate will help her. If it’s sex that she desires while going through the re-evaluation period, make sure its only sex.
Ms. Sincere is stuck by her own wants and desires. She seems to have made a concious decision that having a man in her life is important and having a family is important. These factors influence her ability to find “the perfect guy” because she seems to take herself off the market rapidly. In doing so, she does not give herself enough time to find the “perfect guy” and is locked down with the “guy of the moment.”
She should just date for a bit. Explore activities that interest her and bond with the gentlemen that seem to share those interests. Get to know them before she beds them. If she wants to sex ‘em… no problem. But accept that it is only sex… not a commitment to a relationship!
Hey True Soul… thanks for the very sound advice. Welcome!
Though Sincere may feel as if she has it all together, there is something obviously missing. The first thing I noticed was the fact that since she was 18, she has gone from one relationship to the next… for me, this is problematic! While having someone around is almost always a bonus, it is also a NECESSITY to be alone at some point. It is very easy to lose yourself in someone, and if you don’t allow time for some kind of self- reflection, renewal or consciousness, you will never figure out ACTUALLY who you are (in the present), who you would like to be, and what type of person will allow you to achieve those objectives – the person intended for you who shares your vision.
In my opinion, Sincere is more concerned with being with someone, rather than if he is the RIGHT someone for her. Celibacy is fine, and I truly believe it is a valuable mechanism of self reflection, but she also needs, rather REQUIRES, a mental break as well, which is pretty much obvious from the wide array of men she has dated in the past.
Being beautiful, smart, educated, independent, etc. are all great things, and a blessing to any man, but before you bless the WRONG HIM with your SUPERB equalities, bless YOURSELF by knowing and understanding what it is that you really want and need…
I will go to my grave believing a woman should be alone for at least three years of her adult life. Ebony touches on some of the reasons why I feel this way. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment!
Hey! Ya’ll sure that Sincere wuzn’t drivin’ cuzin’s to drank, to other women, to not wanting kids, and to moving away w/o a forwarding address? That time alone will allow her to check herself!
I guess what you guys failed to realize and it may be my fault is that there was some time in between these relationships. How much time is adequate time? She typically takes a few months in between each person except for the open relationship situation. I think she felt that the Cable Guy was a viable candidate for her and he certainly seemed to be until the final months. She has taken her time since the last relationship and is taking this new situation rather slowly. @Ebony – I think that her bout of celibacy did indeed provide a great deal of clarification as to what she really wants out of life.
I agree with all of the above. She really needs to spend some “me” time with herself so she can find out who she is as a person. I don’t think she knows who she is. She seemes to take every relationship too serious. You are not supposed to make EVERY guy you meet your boyfriend.
There seems to be some deeper issues involved with this situation.
@Jo… anytime!
@Dean… Celibacy is a form of reflection bc it allows you to think clearer about a situation… sex has the tendency to cloud our judgment, especially women. I feel celibacy and truly being single, without the occasional companion, are two distinct things. While celibacy will allow you to visualize how sex and intimate relations dictate your behavior and actions, being alone and taking the time to learn and understand what makes you happy independent of your significant other, or anyone else for that matter, is something totally different. TRUST ME… i would feel that way if I hadn’t experienced it for myself. As far as how much time is necessary, I really can say what is adequate because everyone is different